MOTIONS…

I walked in the ward full of zeal and energy. I had just closed from the out patient clinic and I was so happy to be out of there. Don’t get me wrong. I love my job but it can be very draining. Anyways I digress. I was just happy to be back to my ward, to be back to the patients I know, to be back to the familiar scene and now I had it under control.

I went to do a mop up and make sure everything was stable on the ward before I could leave the hospital premises and find some peace at home. I heard a voice call out “Doctor” as I wrote a referral for one of the patients. I looked up and saw a tall gentleman who had his mask fixed right and his eyes dancing in glee. He says, “Doctor, please my mum can’t feed well. Can you kindly pass a tube to help her feed?”. I smiled and said back to him, “Oh yeah, I am already working on it. Don’t worry”. He proceeds to thank me and walks away with his sister, I presume.

I completed my referral letter and asked one of the colleagues to help me setup for the passage of the feeding tube. As we approached the patient, we realized she didn’t have any movements.

In a rush, I feel for her pulse and there was nothing. Heart sounds were absent. We quickly put her on oxygen and start CPR. we give it our all for more than 20 minutes and eventually we had to call the time of death. My heart dropped. It felt heavy. I felt numb. I felt an overwhelming warmth all over. No, this was not the kind of warmth that soothes but the type that burns. I am dejected. I am hurt. I am sad.

This is a patient I spoke to this morning. A patient who spoke to her relatives this afternoon. Yes we knew her prognosis was not good but I was not prepared to lose a patient today. I did everything I possibly can right, so why did she have to go. Those answers I do not have.

I got depressed and my spirit sunk. I had to break the news to the relatives. I had to tell them ‘I am sorry but your mum passed, we did all we could’. This gentleman shakes in disbelieve because he just spoke to her so what was missing . Yes, she was acutely ill and could barely catch her breathe but we all hoped she will pull through. Now, I do not have the time to be depressed because I have to be the one comforting him though I am also hurting.

Everyone tells you how this job is great and how it is fulfilling. No one actually tells you how to deal with the deaths. The sudden loss of life. Everyone expects you to shake it off and move but how is this the norm? Gosh, I don’t think there’s a more depressing work!

I stare at my shaking hands, grab my keys and rush for the door to let out the tears but tomorrow this whole cycle will start again. God help health workers. I get my therapy through my writings. If you need therapy, please go for it. We all deal with these emotions differently and we need all the help we can get to be able to continue helping others.

Doctor are humans too and their mental health matters.